Transformers

More Than Meets The - KABOOM!! - Eye.


In order to properly evaluate this Summer Blockbuster you must first understand something about it's director/executive producer, Michael Bay. It's quintessential that you know his style and his motivation so that you can appreciate the direction he took this 80's classic and the particular vision he realized. And in order to gain this understanding all you must do is read the following list of other films that Michael Bay has produced and/or directed.

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre
The Amityville Horror
Pearl Harbor
Armageddon
The Island
Bad Boys
Bad Boys II
The Rock
Playboy Video Centerfold: Kerri Kendall


Looking at that list you can understand exactly what Transformers is going to look like under the auspicious eyes of Mr. Bay: Shit is going to blow up, and there are going to be titties.

So, knowing that, you can now evaluate the movie based on how well it adheres to this format of tits and explosions. Let's go through another list.

Megan Fox
Robots with cannon arms
Fighter jets
Military personnel
Tanks
Megan Fox

It's almost as though I don't have to even write a review. Seriously, you should know what to expect as far as action and hot chicks go. But what you shouldn't expect is a decent plot or character development. Outside of the main character (maybe characters if you count the hottie) you don't get too deep into anyone's background, even that of the transformers themselves. We kind of sort of know why they are there and we know that decepticons are bad and autobots are good, but we don't know why Jazz is hip-hop or why Bumble Bee likes humans so much or why Optimus Prime is so fucking cool. Well, we know that intuitively, I guess.

Despite the lacking substance, I'm going to recommend this film only because it's such a blast to watch. I left the theater wanting to run around like an idiot even though it was late and I was running a very little sleep. It was that energizing. If you're finnicky about paying 9 bucks to see something that's never going to win an Oscar, you can always wait for the DVD, but if you're going to do that you had better have a kick ass surround sound system and a very big, High Def screen. For this one, you're going to want to see and hear every explosion and every tight abdominal muscle like you were right there ducking for cover.

Miami Vice

Miami Vice is the 2006 remake of the terribly cheesy 80's television series of the same name. Remember Don Johnson? Yeah, me neither, but he played the original Sonny to Phillip Michael Thomas' Rico. Today the bad boys (Ignore the reference for now) are played by Colin Farrell and Jamie Foxx, respectively, and the whole shebang has been Bruckheimered up by a factor of 3. Eh, 2.5.

As a remake, there are expectations. Many will expect inside jokes for the followers of the series. As an action flick, many will expect explosions, sex, and a well resolved ending that still allows for a sequel. As a Colin Farrell/Jamie Foxx movie, many will expect the same sort of camaraderie that was found in the Bad Boys films. All of these expectations are what make Miami Vice seem to be a bad movie. SEEM. It isn't bad. No, seriously. Shut up.

Expectations ruin movies because they turn into requirements. And it doesn't matter if you want the movie to be good so you can enjoy it or want it to be bad so you can rip on it. Whatever you expect it to be changes what you perceive it to be. An expectation of greatness usually leads to disappointment. An expectation of crap usually leads to...disappointment, because even though you expected it to be terrible you also expected it to exceed your expectations. In the case of Miami Vice you expect it to be some buddy cop piece of entertaining shit like Bad Boys and, to a much greater extent, Bad Boys 2.

But here's the difference: Bad Boys 1 and 2 were fun to watch but ultimately had nothing to say about buddy cop movies or action film or the life of a FBI agent, at least not anything new. Stuff blew up, people got laid, someone got shot in the ass and it was hilarious and what's her face was hot. Miami Vice is uncomfortable to watch, the first time, but makes up for that by portraying an FBI sting operation in a much more convincing manner. When things blow up, you believe that they could have. When people have sex, and it happens only once as far as I remember, it fits in with the characters' relationship and adds another layer to their personalities, rather than just adding some skin. When people get shot, it's bad and sometimes they don't come back 100% or at all. What's her face is still hot, but believably so. She's not, you know, ridiculous.

There's still some cheese in there. Jamie Foxx quotes Don Henley (he did the theme song to the original show) and it's freakin' stupid. Colin Farrell's character does the "single, swingin' bachelor " thing a bit too much, though you start to understand that he's constantly battling with a). his duty to work the bad girl for as much info as possible, b). his desire to bone her all the time, and c). his realization that he can't have the happy ending that shitty films usually pawn off on their viewers.

Actually, that last part is what makes this movie good. There are very real, very logical, responses to very real, very probable, events. The situation unfolds as you expect it might, and even the twists are at least plausible. There's no super-weapon. There's no commandeering of vehicles. People have to answer to their superiors and the arm of the law only extends so far. The dialogue is dark, mumbled and unspectacular and no one goes off on any monologue expounding the virtue of rogue vigilantism or explaining their evil plan. Farrell and Foxx make a good team, but a believable team who won't necessarily put themselves in harms way to defend their best friend or his honor or his girl. They each have their own lives and their own complications but they don't spend time talking about it.

At the end of the movie you may stand up and ask where the last fucking fifteen minutes went. I did. But then you'll start to think of how the movie unfolded and you'll realize that this Miami Vice is a more noir version of the original, campy television show. It's more real, in that in real life people don't always get that happy ending, people die, and, sometimes, the bad guy gets away.

I'm guessing there won't be a sequel to wait around for; they didn't really wrap up the case at the end, but there also wasn't so much of an open-ended, big old question mark ending. Either way, give it a look on DVD when you've got some time to kill and want to catch an action flick with a bit more substance than your standard Bruckheimer explosion fest. And yes, I've used Jerry Bruckheimer as a pejorative twice in this review. I fucking hate that guy.